Do we coddle too much?

As a child (and more so as an adult) I was always heavy. It was always hard to hear people’s comments about my weight and particularly difficult when family (usually an uncle, niece/nephew, or cousin) would comment on it so I began to crack jokes and intercept other’s comments with my own:

-      “I’ll just sit on you; that’ll shut you up!”

-      “I don’t need a coat, I have natural insulation.”

The simple and (sometimes) funny comments would often disarm the people in the room. Sometimes I would even get people disagreeing with me and trying to bolster me up, though this made me feel awkward. Sure, once in a while I would get someone that wanted to jump on the bandwagon and join me in degrading myself… That was always fun…

As I grew older I knew that my self-esteem was low but few people were aware of my feelings about myself. I felt very introverted but was often the life of the party. I wrote a poem in my 20’s where the opening line was “Surrounded by people, yet totally alone”. I bought books on self-esteem and tried to feel better about myself. I learned that I’m capable of doing a lot of things; I’m intelligent; I have gained the trust and respect of people that I trust and respect (the only ones that really count); and I am proud of the man I have become.

No, I’m not looking for pity or sympathy. I’ll get to my point in a second…

Over the course of several years there has been a surge in public opinion regarding bullying. We have kids doing terrible things to themselves and others because they were made fun of, or bullied, or laughed at, so the public has responded: Don’t tease! Granted, there were times in my life that would have been easier if I had not been teased, however, would I have become the man I am today if I had not had those experiences and overcome them? I don’t think so.

My parents were very supportive. I was built for football and wrestling but decided to go into music. They came to my concerts and supported my efforts. I tried the sports and quit… frequently. That was okay. When I made decisions that were different from those my parents would prefer I make, they let me know they thought I should choose differently but didn’t harp on it. I can’t remember ever getting a “we told you so” from my parents.

Now, to my point (I know… “Finally”!).

I think society has gone too far in “protecting” our children. Many are coddled to the point that they no longer have the skills or desire to overcome adversity or strive for excellence. They’ve become accustomed to believing that mediocrity is “wonderful” and “a great job” and the best they are able to give. Who cares about giving 110% when showing up seems to get the same accolades?

My supportive parents didn’t let me get away with being lazy or stupid. Common sense was taught to me by my parents pointing out when I had come to a conclusion using faulty logic. They didn’t say “oh my God! You’re so stupid!”, but they also didn’t say “that’s close enough! You’re a wonderful person for trying and don’t you worry about anyone telling you the answer is wrong… they just don’t love you like we do.”

I remember once, when I was about 15, my dad talking about the tan on his arms. His job required him to drive all the time. He almost always drove with the window down and his arm on the window. With short-sleeved shirts, he would have a tanned left arm and a mostly un-tanned right arm. I jumped into the conversation and asked him why it didn’t balance out when he drove the other direction. He looked at me and smiled. He waited for me to figure it out for myself and laughed when he saw it dawn on me that the same arm is out the window regardless of which direction he is driving. I’m 46 years old and I still remember that experience as a reminder to think things through a little better before I blurt out a statement. I didn’t feel stupid and I didn’t go off and cry. I learned a lesson that continues to help me 31 years later.

I would like to see a push to teach our children to be confident in themselves. We need to give them the tools, experiences, and confidence they need to face life’s challenges head-on. They need to shore up their defenses and grow that skin that is just thick enough to feel a sting but not so thin that a criticism cripples their ability to function. Children also need to be taught to respect others and their abilities and appreciate the diversity in the world. Everyone serves a purpose in this world, even if that purpose is to be an example of how not to behave. There will always be bullies and there will always be self-doubt in life. The best defense against these is the ability to believe in yourself, pick yourself up, and continue on.

Confidence in self is a great weapon against teasing, and respecting others can eliminate bullying by defusing it and ceasing to give the bully’s a forum and audience.